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| 12:04am 27/05/2008 |
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hey kids
ive forgotten all my html
taylorhand.livejournal.com
i havent decided yet about pretense or f/o or anything. but i dont want to be here (non place) anymore.
maybe i will tell all the stories again.
i thought that people could change.
maybe now we're just being honest. |
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| oh my god |
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| 11:44pm 12/05/2008 |
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i never thought that this day would come.
i am both
on the internet
and
in my bedroom.
Alas, not in my bed.
But close enough!
ROOOOOL
There are so many things I can do now.
Research papers, et cetera.
But no more of those.
Now that school is mostly over, it'll be all facebook, all the time.
I am never going to bed again.
oh my god i am gong to watch youtube!
is stealing internet a crime like regular stealing? |
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| helloo |
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| 03:38pm 05/04/2008 |
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mood:  calm
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old friend
i am going to Cooper
but I don't think it's hit me yet. |
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| whee! |
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| 11:56am 21/01/2008 |
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aaa!
my heart is warmed a million degrees!
I just saw Kimya and Adam on the view!
Singing Anyone Else But You!
Best moment
everrrrr
I hope that, when we go see her March 21, we will become best friends
BEST FRIENDS
also I am ill.
rocking the phlegm.
starting a quilt, a real one.
sweet.
that song just goes on forever, consistently cute.
"I have a baby, I'm a mom"
she's making a children's album!!!
ok so I am just blithering now
but she was on my little television!
(there is too much enjoyment even to allow some of the music bitch to slip through)
(though im sure, now that the audience has the soundtrack, the appreciation will grow)
PFSPFSPFS |
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| 01:53pm 18/01/2008 |
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so I am thinking
that dialup (also equal to no uploadability)
and getting the peanut butter out of my hair at the expense of a few strands
is a sure sign that I shan't post my hometest
unless maybe I go to Bea's house next weekend
which is unlikely
oh ho ho. |
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| let me to tell you story |
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| 02:48pm 29/12/2007 |
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ok so
i am cold
i am bleeding out vagina
i am full of brownie
i am also talking czech.
ok ok let me to tell you sad sad story
today I spend like a million years trying to connect to internet. First it not working, not finding dial tone (because it have to you know dial up), then I change phone cord and it work but no browsing window open so I have to do many things, all of them complicated.
Anyway. I cannot express the feeling of defeat that comes with repeated technological failure. It is just like my arms, they want to fall down and the sockets are stretching and my head it would just like to slouch over and roll off. But now it's working and I ate a plate of brownies and so I am feeling better. Except that my pictures are not attaching to my email, which is one of two reasons it was necessary for me to utilize the internet today.
I am needing to have time with emilie and andrew, talk about hometest, get backrub, you know. but they are not here! so I needs must utilize technology to bridge physical distance. Oh I worry though, I worry.
So here I am, bleeding out vagina and not believing in self. I am trying to send them pictures of my hometest in progress so we can think about it together (not collusion, you know, just support) because I am afraid to be alone.
Let me tell you, though, about the devil who has entered my life disguised as a BFF. Disguised further as an ukulele. ookoolaylay.
Lindsey Mills better not have an ukulele or I'll cry.
Because my ukulele and I, well, we fit together, you know, and we better each other, and we don't want to feel inferior. We don't want to feel like a crippled circus animal.
But we hang out, we sing 'blue moon' and beach boys songs and try to play aeroplane over the sea. It was amazing, though, because my ukulele loves me, I didn't hardly learn to play him but I know where to go and we sound nice together, all snuggled like a wooden baby.
que sera sera! the images are attached! maybe by tonight I will have guidance.
Anyway, this loverly wooden baby is really a demon. He teases me, he wants me to play with him all day when I need to be working on my hometest!
I am feeling better now, and I am thinking it is maybe not even because of the plate of brownies that I consumed.
I have been feeling for a while like I may need to cry soon, and it's been coming out at arbitrary moments, but you know, it's like emotion juice, it just leaks everywhere all the time when you got too much in your bottle. Sometimes also I want to yell or hit something, a lot of times because my parents don't talk to me or listen to me (which I guess I add to with occasional surliness) I mean it's not that bad but you know my real bff is away and I wish an adult would talk to me and not be scared or mean. Oh oh anyway the idea is that I feel better now. Like I had a good vomit.
livejournal vomit!
ok kids. I hope that was fulfilling, just like the old days, right?
k i love you |
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| 02:06pm 29/07/2007 |
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hello again
wow wow wee wow
um so. yeah.
what's happening, kids?
life's happening.
other things too.
so I am in my living room, feeling kind of awkward.
but um.
what can I say?
I went to Maryland, I was really happy.
I came back to Florida and cried a little and slept a lot.
School is happening again soon.
This year I want to make friends with Bea again. And Tess. There are a lot of people in my year that I don't feel like I know anymore.
I'm having trouble with this thing, forming thoughts and following through.
Always I am thinking about brains.
So I thought it would be fun to come back and visit.
ily |
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| cunt |
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| 01:01pm 18/02/2007 |
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so I just read this book and it has made me aware of the fact that books put ideas in my head. And if I'm not reading or studying I get complacent in my brain and just have ideas without reason to back them up. For some things, such as vegetarianism, I have a mantra which helps me remember the purpose of my choice.
blahblahblah
so now:
female empowerment
america. i live in an environment created by stupid white men (not to say the white people or males suck but that pretty much everyone who's controlling shit is one of them) which has created a culture of violence and destruction. Ignorance. But sincerely, statiscally, we live in a culture that rapes its children. and pits women against each other and themselves. It is not good to hate yourself or anyone else. feminine hygiene.
there are so many great things in the world.
but this fucking sucks.
because if youve not experienced abuse someone in your family probably has.
so wrong.
anyway.
I am 17 now.
I am salvaging my history grade. Because I know now that Mrs Stout loves me. She said so. Even when I was failing. So it's ok.
And I love my friends. And Tommy.
Everyone needs to stop being a Debbie Downer.
posi whatever dont rape the planet, be good to eachother, dont be a liar.
klovebye
ps omg selfrighteous rant supersorry but seriously fuck rapists. |
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| 'supdate? |
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| 09:53pm 17/12/2006 |
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reading about panda is melancholy inducing.
all i want to say is that i havent studied at all.
but i did go shopping and got clothes.
and i love everyone.
seriously.
youre amazing.
kbye |
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| its ok man |
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| 09:31pm 02/12/2006 |
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mood:  pleasantly full music: commercials
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so like. now ive gotta talk. on the internet.
i was thinking about myself, as usual, but this time about the image im prot(j)ecting and its relationship with my actions.
also at this moment i am watching true life: im addicted to crystal meth.
so lets speak for a moment about the state of my mother. or maybe not. she'll work herself into the story later.
so i have this appearance or affect of being incredibly young, mainly because i maintain a style of dress that is simple, and in its simplicity, youthful. and my face. whatever. watching these people on meth makes my headvoice run too fast and become convoluted. but anyway. this appearance is a tool, for protection mostly but occasionally free ice cream. also it is a manifestation of my denial. a search for kitsch (the absence of shit) has created an idyll in my mind, where im planning my life around an ideal aesthetic or activity which is, perhaps, anachronistic in form--a style of life based on idealized visions of the past and agrarianism. what i mean to say is that i want to be an amishstyle housewife on a farm. with tommy coleman. im doing this now by practicing my knitting and quilting. hoo yeah.
there is also the issue of a growing chocolate dependency. i need some everyday just to get to normal. which isnt very funny in light of the fact that my mother is currently attending a daily therapy program for depression eating disorder and drug use.
is everything ok?
yeah its all right man.
im wondering if this is diificult to read.
so now i have this boyfriend; i think thats what you call it. its a pretty amazing situation actuallly. wherein he would do anything for me and kind of does. like 108 miles a day. but he helps me be a real person and is kind of validating me in all pursuits and forcing me to move forward with things. also he is very cute. oh goodness.
ok so school is not so bad but then im not trying very hard except in biology and history wherein such effort is necessary to maintain an acceptable grade. also i am kind of making more art than usual but that is absolutely necessary if i have any hope of not failing at life. and i am good at speaking french sometimes unless there is a change of tense involved besides the past. je jure que je suis. regardez. je suis comme un oiuseau, je veux vol. mais chere j'ai besoin de toi.
haha suckage.
carolyn and baby are in utah for a week and so i look forward to spending seven lovely days in silence because i dont know how to talk to my father. also he requested that carolyn and my mother speak to me about sex and oh god it is uncomfortable. but. my mom. she said to me "be good". which is terribly inadequate but whatevskies.
i have been spending time with emily and that makes me feel good. also aross has been nice to me. all good feelings there i think.
yesterday was a supergirlytopsecretsleepover and it will suffice to say that i have the best friends ever and am in eternal adoration of them.
in summation
things are good and marching ever onward into the future.
kindness and respect are my goals as of late (working to become not socially awkward).
tommy coleman is amazing. we get married have three children live agrarianstyle.
i love everyone |
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| 02:44am 17/09/2006 |
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my stomach is woobly.
all things are good.
i feel old.
this season was such a transition. many good things, which demand accountability. maybe im more of an actual person now.
and then some sort of mental reversion. I feeel that without livejournal I am less able to organize my thoughts in an intriguing way. And if I am not speaking explicitly in a quasi-public forum then I'm not really being frank at all. I suppose that secret things are no less real though. It's just new for me.
It is fun to have fun but you have to know how. my chest hurts. being with ladies is good when I can't be with man. this is painful.
apparently I am loud and rude. I don't like this. hopefully there will be wifetraining in higher education.
all this thinkings got me sad now so i think ill get back to my womenfolk. |
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| 10:25pm 06/09/2006 |
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mood: complacent
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hey check it out im on the internet.
with a clacky keyboard.
my life is 8x better now. lemme tell you why.
tommy coleman
no momma
no math
et cetera. oh goodness. I fear the chapters of my life to which you are accomodated (or at least julia is) will soon become inconsistent blurbs. because Ive not much to complain about. I wash a lot of dishes, but I'm eating food. also because we've got dial up and the computer's in the living room. oh man. talking to carolyn about cosmo. apparently we were in the store and i asked her what orgasms were because i had read about them in there. i was six. oh jesus.
i am thinking about:
the word "store" (like reserve, grocery reserves, general reserves, etc)
impossibility of creation
and other things which escape me at the moment.
good night |
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| 09:51pm 26/08/2006 |
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oh goodness.
when all you have is land, things with wings can present themselves as a pretty big damn threat. I want to marry you again. |
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| mission |
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| 07:35pm 06/08/2006 |
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so. ahh. it's been a pretty good week.
My show went really well. Dinner and riding home was surreal though. I used Shannon's straw trick at work the next day. My glass was far away.
Um. I always have strange feelings riding in Bea's car when I look up at the streetlamps or the trees or whatever we're driving under and there's something playing and my chest opens up. I ate my chocolate bar.
But the fact of the matter is I need to find a way to make brendan and tommy love me. It has to happen.
so come up with a plan.
this year will r00l. (swimteam)
I ate a tomato today. I ate it like an apple.
wow wow wee wow
<3<3
ps i love blood for blood you numb fucking broad |
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| 12:39pm 02/08/2006 |
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music: zero 7: throw it all away
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wow
cauliflower is such a strange vegetable
carolyn made these cupcakes and ... I think she melted peppermint patties on top of them
!!!
OMFGZZZ
I am listening to XMU and feel validated by recognizing such artists as Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! and The Go! Team, as well as others. I think I have Julia to thank for that.
Talking to Lindsey last night cheered me up. Alls of my friends are going to come tomorrow. And if you're not coming, we're not friends.
jk
not really
no I love you
Can I just say. I don't understand what anybody's thinking. Just. So many actions seem completely illogical. What I mean to say is why does my father wake me up in the morning and then get in the shower when I just am lying in bed listening to him taking a shower? Because if I get up I have to pee, and if I pee I have to brush my teeth, and if I brush my teeth I have to take a shower and none of that can happen when he's in the bathroom. Just. Ten minutes. Let me sleep. And then, duh war and murder. Whatever. Freaking bed sleep pee.
Kimya had her baby. awwz. Her name is Panda Delilah.
just call me bo0o-jangles! |
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| 10:11am 31/07/2006 |
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so, um
I'm having an opening?
which requires your attendance. I'll post the invite sometime, but, actually it's
Thursday, August 3rd
5-7 pm
at the Norton museum
nice refreshments will be offered.
and if anyone has Iron & Wine albums beside Endless Numbered Days, could I borrow it for this occasion? I think that's what we're playing. For the atmosphere yeah.
I am kind ofwanting to go back to school, though I have homework to do and I am determined to do it all, if not well.
okay. miss/love |
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| 10:03am 20/07/2006 |
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fuck crackwhores
so um. last night I went to a metal show. ha. ha! But I essentially spent three+ hours with my bfsf and some boys I didn't know, sitting outside. Many awkward pauses that weren't awkward. But we saw what we came for, aka matt cleer. consular too.
But I uh I have a myspace now, at the insistence of and maintained by Lindsey.
So, like, be my friend.
for realz
did I say befoiore that I led a tour and the kids thought I was 37?
yeah.
oh man.
everything is everything |
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| weekendings |
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| 08:51am 17/07/2006 |
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shout-outs to
julia and eva
(i miss youses)
and cat and linds
(i might be bringing the colleagues to Paris In Town today)
and everyone else whom I love yeah
but this weekend was nice
and today I am wearing BJ + PIXIES
my stomach was upset from eating less than a tablespoon sincerely of shaved ice and iced cream
and I really like Bookworm
and Brian Henessey
and brian wilson because he looks like tom felt
who's real name is richard
aka dick
whom I also like
but is already entranced or rather entrenched
boo the internet
I want to be an indian (feather)
and talk to the trees
but I will always be a silly white girl
blah!
love |
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| 11:58am 14/07/2006 |
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mood: complacent music: sufjan stevens
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so we all know my mom's an idiot
and she's dating like a drug dealer or something
and they spend all day in her room burning incense and having sex and smoking crack or something
the incense lori gave me for christmas too
and she takes my money and stuff, like literally comes in my room and takes it now, doesn't pretend it's going to my savings account
speaking of which I'm getting paid today
BUT
the point is that this morning I was taking my shower and she starts yelling at me to hurry up because we have to leave the house because rocko got us in trouble
i am feeling nonplussed and just get ready as usual
she says that i don't understand, people are coming to shoot up the house
quote
which probably isn't going to happen
but at least I had an excuse to take the brownies which I made last night to work. Last week I made brownies, made no remark about bringing them anywhere, and she started yelling about how I couldn't have them because they were for her birthday
which I ignored
so maybe I am in the wrong on some parts
but I am not
fat stupid slut bitch drunk drugaddict smoker
and in the car she tells me that I have to pay for her gas because her parents took away the gas card.
but I'm not planning on going back over there or taking out any money.
when she drives back and forth to Rocko's house even though it's not even on the other side of the lake, whihc is to say maybe a tenth of a mile away
but.
generally I hate everything at this moment
although seeing suzie and lindsey tomorrow would be nice
and I got zoe's birthday invite
tres swanky
love |
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